Everyone is doing better than me: CBT for comparing yourself in a city of high achievers.

The London effect

If you have ever lived in a city of high achievers and type-A personalities, like London, you might have experienced that underline angst of needing to do more, achieve more, earn more. You may have told yourself that you are falling behind, that everyone else is doing better than you, that they are living your dream life whilst you're barely making it, surviving in an unfulfilling role that drains your energy and leaves you unsatisfied with your life.

This a place I found myself too, when in my 20s, I was living in London, completing my Masters in Psychology and having a full-time job at a coffee shop to make ends meet. I was not fulfilled with my job, uncertain about my career prospects and broke in a city where everyone seemed to have more than enough to live an exciting and lush lifestyle, in front of my eyes.

Why we can't stop comparing ourselves?

According to the Social Comparison Theory by L. Festinger, we understand ourselves better by comparing our abilities and achievements to others. We compare upwards, to those we see as doing better than us, or downwards, to those we see as doing worse. Whilst this is a normal and very human process, which can sometimes boost our motivation, in high-achieving environments like London, where the sample for comparison is so vast, it can easily result in feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. That's when the negative self-talk tends to come in and have thoughts like "I am not enough" and "I will never succeed".

How to know when you slip into negative self-talk?

Most people don't even realise that they engage in negative self-talk, and I know that because I help people to challenge the way they speak to themselves daily.

In CBT we call this "falling into thinking traps". When we compare ourselves to others, we are very likely to fall into thinking traps, such us;

• All-or-nothing thinking (You see things as black or white and nothing in between. If what you do is not perfect, then it is a failure).

• Mental filtering (You focus only what went wrong and dwell on it. You tend to not notice or discount and positives).

• Should statements (You create rules for yourself that you are unlikely to stick to, especially when feeling low, and fill yourself with guilt and anger. These rules tend to be based upon excessively high-standards that only apply to you and not others).

• Jumping to conclusions (You tend to see things as negative whether you have any facts or not).

Over time your brain automatically starts to fall into these thinking traps more often than not, and this can quietly distort your reality and fill you with feelings of inadequacy. Unfortunately, we do not have power over which thoughts come into our mind, but we can choose how to respond to them. So, instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts, try to approach them with curiosity, understand where they might be coming from and choose how to react to them. Our thoughts are not facts and just because you think of something, it does not mean it is true. Next time you catch yourself comparing and feeling worse of, pause and ask yourself "What story am I telling myself right now?".

CBT tools to help reframe negative self-talk

CBT helps to identify when you are falling into a thinking trap, step back from comparison and look at thoughts more objectively. When you notice the familiar downward spiral that comes with "I am behind", try to pause and see what are the evidence. Ask yourself: What are the evidence for this thoughts? How do I now this thought is true? What is the evidence against this thought? Anything that I may overlook or discount? What might be a more balanced way of seeing things?

For example, if at work a colleagues promotion triggers the thought "I will never succeed" you might find that your path, priorities or timing are simply different and not lesser. This process of evidence testing, helps to shift from self-criticism to self-awareness, reminding you that progress has not got a fixed timeline.

Are you just chasing validation?

When we are stuck in a comparison mindset, we are often stirred towards goals that are driven by validation; chasing status, appearance, or wealth because that is what we see others celebrate.

One very important part of CBT is looking at our values; to step back and reconnect with what genuinely matters to us. Creating values-based goals (like personal growth, connection with others, physical health) tend to feel steadier and more fulfilling as they are guided by meaning and what is important to you, not others around you. They don't feel like competition anymore because there is no one else to compete with.

Try writing down 3 values that matter to you the most. How can you live by those today, in small and practical ways? In a city as unique and diverse as London, each person's path reflects a different story. You story deserves to be as unique as you are and to unfold at it's own pace.

Are you kind enough to yourself?

When comparison brings up feelings of shame, guilt, frustration and inadequacy - then why not try soften them with some deliberate compassion? Compassion towards ourselves might feel strange at first, as it is something we never learnt to do. Being kind and understanding with oneself might be as foreign of a concept for you as it was originally for me. I knew how to be nice to others when they needed me, but never to myself who I held to the highest standards.

Next time you struggle with negative self-talk, try this grounding exercise: place a hand onto your chest, slow down your breathing and simply say "It is okay to feel this way. I will be okay. I am not alone in this".

Meeting our negative thoughts with kindness rather than criticism, can change our whole experience going through life.

What is success?

Living in a city like London, will naturally teach us ambition and strive for more, but it can also teach us balance, if we allow it. When living is so fast, it is easy to forget that your worth is not tied to your productivity, salary, or job title. You are not behind, you are on your own timeline for a reason. The point is to experience life as you go through it, enjoy the good moments, be grateful for where you are today and reconnect with what truly matters to you.

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Explore how therapy can help you manage with comparison and not fall into thinking traps that leave you feel ashamed and self-critical.

Alexandra Kalogeropoulou (BSc, MSc, PG Cert, PG Dip).

BABCP-Registered Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in London and all over the UK. Specialises in treating anxiety and depression using evidence-based approaches. Alexandra is committed to providing compassionate, expert care for her clients across the UK.