Inner Critic: The voice in your head that is shaping your reality. - here's how CBT can help you change it.

We all have an inner voice that narrates our lives, comments on our experiences, and tells us how to view ourselves, others and the world around us. This happens automatically from the moment we wake up until the moment we go to bed again, and for a lot of people, this voice tends to get particularly unkind. It points out our mistakes, dwells on thoughts of past events, or predicts our future in a negative light. Over time, this voice can start feel like the only voice in our head and thus the truth. We tend to accept it without questioning its validity, accuracy or intention.

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we refer to this voice as our inner critic. Everyone has an inner critic, and often people might say things like "I know I tend to be pessimistic or self-critical, but I have always been this way, and I can't change it". Indeed, the inner critic might feel like it has been there forever, but nobody is born with this way of thinking. Somewhere along the line, we tend to pick up on things we hear from others or society about how we should be, what we should be doing or how should we be living our lives and internalise those as truths. Therefore, every time we think that we are not meeting those standards, we get self-critical and harsh on ourselves.

Our inner critic develops over time as a way to keep us safe and accepted - a way to gain approval or prevent rejection by society. And indeed, in certain situations, our inner critic may have helped us cope and navigate life moments better. However, as we grow into adulthood, a lot of the "rules" we have developed in a younger age to cope may become excessively harsh and outdated without offering us any value anymore. Our critic can get overly one-sided, telling us that we are not good enough, not successful enough, that others are judging us and that we should have done better. This becomes a mental habit that happens automatically, and thus our reality.

Yet, this can change, and one of the most important elements of CBT is the belief that by changing our thoughts, we can change how we see the world and experience life.

How your Self-Talk shapes your world

The way you talk to yourself doesn't just affect how you feel about yourself, but it can also change how you view and interpret the world around you. You may have noticed that the same situation may feel completely different on different days or to two different people and that is because of the different lences there are to see things through.

For example - You send a message to your friend to suggest meeting up later for dinner, and they don't reply to you for several hours. Your inner critic might say, "I've said something wrong, they don't want to see me, I am not important, they don't like me". That is turning a neutral and common situation into an anxious one. A more balanced thought for the same situation might be "They are probably busy, they will get back to me later, if we don't manage to see each other tonight we can make plans for another day". See how different that sounds and feel. The different emotions that the two different perspectives bring up.

When your inner critic is active, it influences everything. It jumps to conclusions and worst-case scenarios and sees even neutral events as failures.

Your world starts feeling more threatening and negative, and that is not based on facts but rather on your distorted thinking patterns.

Your thoughts are not facts

One of the fundamental principles of CBT is understanding that thoughts are not facts. In fact, they are interpretations that are shaped by mood, previous experiences, underlying beliefs and opinions.

Just because a thought can feel convincing, that doesn't mean it is true. For example, having a bad day and thinking, "I am a failure because I haven't met my deadline for a project", is an opinion formed through a particular emotional lens and not an objective assessment of yourself.

You are separate from your thoughts

On average, each of us has about 70.000 thoughts a day. 70.000!!! That is to say that we cannot possibly believe everything that we think to be true about ourselves. Through CBT and mindfulness techniques, you can learn to separate yourself from your thoughts and to choose when not to obey them.

You can create distance between yourself and your mind and be more observant of your thoughts. For example, instead of thinking "I am a failure" you can say "I am having the thought that I am a failure". Take a step back from the thought and examine its validity through a different lens. That small shift in your language also shifts your perspective and creates mental space.

Therapy is not about getting rid of all negative thoughts and never having one again, as this would not be a realistic goal. It is about changing your relationship with them and learning how to navigate them.

How to reframe your inner critic;

When you notice that your thoughts are getting self-critical, negative or judgmental, try asking yourself some of these questions:

• What is the evidence for this thought?

• How do I know this thought is true?

• Do I base it on any actual events?

• What is the evidence against this thought?

• Is this a fact or my interpretation of the situation?

• What is a more realistic balance view?

• If my best friend was in my situation, would I think that about them? If not, why not and what does that mean for me then?

This process might take time and practice to master, and a therapist can help catch your negative thoughts early and reframe them effectively.

CBT is not about positive thinking and affirmations, is about helping you have a more balanced thinking that will make your life more enjoyable. Challenging your now automatic self-talk does not mean that life will become easy and you will never doubt yourself again; it means that you will have more control over which thoughts you choose to believe. Over time, this will make your inner world feel kinder and more supportive and your outer world more manageable. This is how you build psychological resilience to navigate through lives difficulties.

Common Questions

What causes my self-talk to be so negative when I attempt to think positively?

Negative self-talk isn’t a personal failure. It comes from repeated experiences, past events, and ingrained beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Your mind often tries to shield you from disappointment or rejection, even if its methods seem unkind. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps you understand the reasons behind these thoughts and how to deal with them more effectively, instead of simply trying to force a positive mindset.

If my thoughts occur automatically, what can I do to change them?

Automatic thoughts can seem overwhelming because they are quick and familiar, but that doesn't mean they are fixed. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps you become more aware of these thoughts, create space between you and them, and carefully examine their validity. With time, this shifts the pattern. You might still recognise unhelpful thoughts, but they will have less power and control over your feelings and actions.

How long does it take to see a change in my self-talk?

I have seen several of my clients experiencing improvements in their self-talk as soon as they started focusing on their inner dialogue. Of course, more profound and lasting changes require time and consistent effort to change habits that have been established over many years. However, due to the nature of CBT to teach you the skills and give you the tools to catch and reframe your negative self-talk, the process becomes similar to any other skill and evolves gradually with the right support.

Can changing my self-talk improve my anxiety and self-esteem?

Absolutely! This is probably the most important step in seeing a change in your anxiety and self-esteem. The way you speak to yourself has a direct impact on your anxiety levels, confidence and emotional wellbeing. When your self-talk becomes less critical and more balanced, then you will start feeling calmer, more resilient and more confident to deal with everyday challenges.

What Next?

If you find that this information resonates with you and you would like to explore how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you Contact me here to book your free call today.

Alexandra Kalogeropoulou (BSc, MSc, PG Cert, PG Dip).

BABCP-Registered Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in London and all over the UK. Specialises in treating anxiety and depression using evidence-based approaches. Alexandra is committed to providing compassionate, expert care for her clients across the UK.