Confidence Is Not Learned, Self-Doubt Is.

In My Friends, Fredrik Backman writes:

“Adults often think that self-confidence is something a child learns, but little kids are by their nature always invincible — it’s self-doubt that is learned.”

This observation reflects what I often see in my work as a CBT therapist in London and across the UK. Many clients seeking therapy for low self-confidence believe something is deeply missing in them. They talk about confidence like it’s a skill they never learned or a trait others just have.

But when we look closer, it’s rarely a lack of ability. Instead, it’s learned self-doubt.

Children aren’t born worrying if they’re good enough. They try new things, take on challenges, and bounce back quickly from mistakes. They don’t see setbacks as proof they’re not good enough.

But over time, experiences like repeated criticism, tough school pressure, tricky friendships, perfectionist family expectations, or subtle messages about worth shape their beliefs.

These get internalised and turn into core thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “I always mess up,” or “Others are better than me.”

From a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy point of view, these beliefs aren’t facts. They are learned ways of interpreting things.

Once they take hold, they shape how new situations are seen. A small mistake at work feels like proof of failure. Neutral feedback seems like criticism.

Challenging chances get avoided because failure is expected. Over time, avoiding these situations keeps the belief alive. Without new evidence to challenge self-doubt, the cycle goes on.

This is why confidence cannot be built effectively through surface-level encouragement. Telling someone to “just believe in yourself” does not alter the cognitive processes maintaining low self-confidence.

In CBT therapy, the work is structured and systematic. We begin by identifying the specific situations that trigger self-doubt and mapping out the automatic thoughts that arise. Clients often discover that these thoughts are harsh, absolute, and distorted. They involve mind-reading, catastrophising, overgeneralising from isolated events, or discounting positive evidence.

After spotting these patterns, we look at them together. What facts support this belief? What facts have been left out? Does this view match all the information? The goal isn’t to swap negative thoughts for overly positive ones. It’s about finding balanced, evidence-based thinking. When thoughts get more accurate, feelings change too.

Behavioural change is equally important. Confidence develops through action.

Many professionals seeking CBT therapy in London struggle with imposter syndrome, performance anxiety, or chronic comparison in high-achievement environments. They often cope by over-preparing, avoiding visibility, or declining opportunities that would stretch them.

While these strategies temporarily reduce anxiety, they reinforce the underlying belief of inadequacy. CBT addresses this directly through behavioural experiments.

Together, we test predictions in real-world settings. Clients gather data about what actually happens when they speak up, set boundaries, apply for roles, or tolerate imperfection. Repeated corrective experiences weaken self-doubt at its root.

Building self-confidence through CBT is therefore not a vague process of “boosting self-esteem.” It is a measurable shift in thinking and behaviour.

As clients begin to respond to challenges with balanced reasoning rather than automatic self-criticism, they experience a greater sense of competence. As they reduce avoidance and engage more fully with valued activities, their self-concept gradually changes. They no longer see themselves as fragile or incapable, because their behaviour demonstrates otherwise.

As a CBT therapist in London, I often see how the city’s high-pressure culture makes self-doubt worse. Competitive jobs, constant comparisons, and the push to succeed can make people’s insecurities stronger. Many talented people quietly worry they’ll be found out as not good enough, even when they’re clearly successful. CBT offers a way to carefully examine these fears instead of just accepting them.

When beliefs are tested instead of assumed, they usually lose their power.

It’s also important to recognise how earlier experiences play a role. While CBT focuses on current patterns, understanding where self-doubt started can be helpful. When clients see that their critical inner voice reflects past situations rather than today’s reality, the belief feels less personal and more about context.

The story changes from “This is who I am” to “This is something I learned.” That change opens the door for growth.

Lasting confidence doesn’t mean never feeling uncertain or anxious. It means trusting yourself to handle challenges, bounce back from setbacks, and judge yourself fairly. It means accepting mistakes without harsh self-judgment and going after meaningful goals without waiting for perfect certainty.

In CBT therapy, this kind of confidence grows as self-doubt is carefully challenged and avoidance is lowered.

The key idea from Backman’s quote still holds true: self-doubt is learned. And if it’s learned, it can be unlearned.

With structured CBT therapy in London, people can spot the beliefs that don’t help them, challenge distorted thoughts, and build real self-confidence based on facts, not fear.

Confidence is not about becoming someone different. It is about removing the distortions that have obscured an accurate view of your abilities. When self-doubt is reduced, what remains is not artificial bravado, but a stable, realistic trust in yourself.

If you’re ready to take the next step, Contact me here to book your FREE call

Alexandra Kalogeropoulou (BSc, MSc, PG Cert, PG Dip).

BABCP-Registered Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in London and all over the UK. Specialises in treating anxiety and depression using evidence-based approaches. Alexandra is committed to providing compassionate, expert care for her clients.