Becoming the Right Person: Reflections from the Therapy Room.

“We are a society obsessed with finding the right person, without working on becoming the right person.”

This idea, often shared in various forms and closely linked to Bryant McGill’s quote, “Love is not about finding the right person, but about being the right person,” reflects something I’ve seen many times in my work as a psychotherapist.

People frequently come to therapy because of difficulties in their relationships. They want clarity about a partner’s behaviour, insight into why a relationship ended, or answers to the question of why they seem to keep attracting the same type of person.

These are understandable concerns. Relationships are deeply meaningful, and when they go wrong they can be profoundly painful.

But over time I have noticed something important. The most meaningful progress in therapy rarely comes from analysing another person’s behaviour.

Instead, it tends to emerge when the focus shifts inward.

This isn’t about blaming anyone or ignoring the real challenges people have faced with others.

Instead, it comes from a quieter but much more powerful question:

Who am I becoming in the way I relate to others?

This question sits at the heart of personal development, and it is often the beginning of deeper emotional change.

Why We Focus on Finding Instead of Becoming

Modern culture encourages us to see relationships as something to be found rather than something to be cultivated.

We’re told the “right person” is out there somewhere. Movies, social media, and dating apps all push the idea that happiness is just one meeting away. If we keep looking, we’ll eventually find someone who fits us perfectly.

The problem with this narrative is not that compatibility is irrelevant. Compatibility absolutely matters. The problem comes when we think a relationship’s success depends mostly on finding the right partner instead of building the skills needed to keep it strong.

The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote about this problem in his influential book The Art of Loving. He argued that many people misunderstand love entirely. They see it primarily as a matter of being loved rather than as an ability that must be developed.

In other words, people often spend more time trying to be desirable than learning how to truly love.

Fromm believed love required qualities such as discipline, patience, humility and self-knowledge. Without these qualities, relationships tend to become unstable.

In therapy, I often see what Fromm described years ago. People search hard for connection but rarely stop to think about how they show up in their relationships.

Relationships as Emotional Mirrors

One of the most powerful aspects of close relationships is that they reveal parts of ourselves we might not otherwise notice.

Relationships act like mirrors.

Patterns that remain invisible in other areas of life often become very visible when intimacy develops.

For example, someone afraid of abandonment might feel strong anxiety when their partner pulls away. Someone who has trouble setting boundaries might keep agreeing to things they don’t really want. And someone who struggles with vulnerability might shut down emotionally during conflicts.

These patterns are not signs of failure. They are often reflections of earlier experiences.

Attachment theory provides a helpful framework for understanding this. Developed by the psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that our earliest relationships shape the ways we connect with others later in life.

Children learn emotional expectations through their caregivers.

If caregivers are consistently responsive, children tend to develop a secure sense that relationships are safe.

If caregivers are inconsistent, distant or unpredictable, children may develop anxious or avoidant patterns of relating.

These patterns are not fixed for life, but they can strongly influence how adults approach intimacy.

In therapy, many people begin to recognise that the relationship difficulties they experience today are connected to patterns formed much earlier.

Understanding these patterns can bring real relief. It helps people see their reactions aren’t random but come from understandable psychological reasons.

And once patterns become visible, they can begin to change.

The Repetition of Familiar Dynamics

Another psychological concept that often emerges in therapy is the idea of repetition. Human beings are surprisingly drawn to what feels emotionally familiar, even when that familiarity is uncomfortable.

In psychoanalysis, this is called repetition compulsion, a term linked to Sigmund Freud. It means people might unconsciously repeat relationship patterns from earlier in life.

For example, someone who grew up feeling emotionally overlooked may later find themselves repeatedly drawn to partners who are distant or unavailable.

At first, this can feel confusing. People often ask, “Why do I keep attracting the wrong person?”

But when explored more carefully, it sometimes becomes clear that what they are drawn to is not random. It feels psychologically familiar.

Therapy helps bring these unconscious patterns into awareness. Once people understand the emotional logic behind their choices, they can begin to make different ones.

Why Inner Work Can Feel Difficult

If personal development is so valuable, why do many people avoid it?

It’s not that people don’t want to grow. More often, it’s because inner work can be emotionally tough.

It means facing vulnerabilities that might have been hidden for years. It also means noticing habits or relationship behaviours that can be hard to face.

In therapy, this might include exploring questions such as:

• How do I respond when someone disappoints me?

• Do I communicate my needs directly, or do I expect others to guess them?

• What situations tend to trigger strong emotional reactions in me?

• What do I believe about my own worth within relationships?

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These questions might feel uncomfortable, but they’re also the first step toward real self-awareness.

And self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools for change.

The Role of Habits in Personal Growth

People often think personal growth happens in a sudden breakthrough.

A moment that changes everything.

In reality, change usually happens more gradually. Growth is built through small, repeated habits.

In therapy, real progress usually comes from practicing new behaviours again and again over time:

• pausing before reacting in conflict

• expressing needs clearly rather than suppressing them

• setting boundaries when something feels uncomfortable

• reflecting on emotional responses instead of acting on them immediately

These habits might seem simple, but over time they change how people experience their relationships.

In psychological terms, they strengthen emotional regulation and self-awareness.

Gradually, people start to see themselves differently. They feel more grounded, confident in their boundaries, and better able to handle tough conversations.

These changes rarely happen overnight, but they can be deeply transformative.

Developing Self-Worth

Another theme that often appears in therapy is the relationship between self-worth and intimacy. When people aren’t sure about their own value, relationships can turn into a way to seek reassurance. Being chosen by someone else might feel like proof of their worth.

The difficulty is that this creates fragile foundations. If self-esteem depends heavily on another person’s approval, relationships can quickly become filled with anxiety.

Moments of distance may feel like rejection. Minor disagreements may feel threatening.

Part of becoming the right person involves developing a more stable sense of self-worth.

Psychological methods like self-compassion, inspired by researchers like Kristin Neff, encourage people to treat themselves with the same kindness they’d give a close friend. People learn to respond to their own difficulties with kindness rather than harsh self-criticism, their sense of self becomes more secure.

And when self-worth becomes more stable, relationships tend to feel less threatening.

Growth Changes the Way We Choose Partners

An interesting shift often occurs as people engage in personal development.

Their approach to relationships changes.

They care less about whether someone will choose them and more about whether the relationship fits their values and emotional health.

This change can be subtle but significant.

When individuals develop greater emotional awareness and clearer boundaries, they often begin to recognise early signs of relational dynamics that may not be healthy for them.

They become more selective. Not in a strict or judgmental way, but in a way that shows deeper self-respect.

Over time, this tends to lead to healthier relational choices.

Relationships as Spaces for Growth

When two people who value personal development come together, relationships can become powerful spaces for growth.

Conflict does not disappear, of course. Disagreements are inevitable in any close relationship.

But the way conflict is approached often changes.

Instead of seeing problems as signs the relationship is failing, they might see them as chances to understand each other better.

In this sense, relationships become collaborative rather than adversarial.

Two individuals continue developing themselves while also supporting each other’s growth.

The Ongoing Nature of Personal Development

Personal growth doesn’t have a final destination. Becoming the right person is not something we complete once and for all.

It is an ongoing process.

Even individuals who have done significant personal work will continue encountering new challenges in relationships. Life circumstances change. Stress levels fluctuate. New emotional experiences arise.

The main difference is that people committed to self-awareness face these challenges with curiosity instead of avoiding them.

They remain open to learning about themselves.

And this openness allows relationships to evolve rather than stagnate.

If you’re ready to take the next step, Contact me here to book your FREE call

Alexandra Kalogeropoulou (BSc, MSc, PG Cert, PG Dip).

BABCP-Registered Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with over 10 years of experience supporting clients in London and all over the UK. Specialises in treating anxiety and depression using evidence-based approaches. Alexandra is committed to providing compassionate, expert care for her clients.